8 Things I Don’t Understand At 23
I started writing this piece in February. Finished in June.
- Why People Choose to Wake Up at 4:00 A.M.
A lot can get done before the sun is up — that I know is true, and I see the appeal of it in that lens. But I am confused because I think once you habitually wake up early, like if it’s a personal conviction, (not tied to work)…the magic is lost. I have to think that the entire point of waking up when the world is still dark, is to revel in the disbelief and irony that you’re awake before the sun is, and it’s rebellious in nature. You’re a living secret; no one else could detect what you’re up to at that hour.
The only time I have ever done this was in high school, when my friends and I would all cram into one room for a sleepover, though there were other rooms available throughout the house, — and we’d laugh at how stupid it was to role-play as people with places to be, deadlines to meet, and alarms to wake up to.
And when our alarms rang out for 4 A.M., and we stumbled off the floor, into a car, we drove towards the sunrise. That was the occasion. To be rebellious once, recognize it as rebellion, and move on.
2. Why People Love the Desert
I think, similarly to early birds, people who move to the desert enjoy having the option of feeling like a secret. Because in the desert, the landscape is the star, and you are merely an extra. Like, I assume that there is so much to look at, so much to guess about when you’re staring at vast nothingness, — that human pettiness and drama falls second place.
This, or they just love heat.
I’m thinking about when Georgia O’Keeffe made the move from New York City — where everything is sensory forward, and incredibly ‘in-your-face,’ — to Santa Fe, New Mexico, where she sat near tall windows, and painted the same mountain over, and over, and over again. Where she piled bones and skulls outside her patio, to save them for later.
3. How Airpods Make That Much Noise
Like, whaaaat?
4. My Body Dysmorphia
How even after staring at my reflection for 8 minutes straight, I’ll still never know what I look like. How I weep at the doctors. How I choose the stairs every time, even if I’m dizzy.
5. Why Coffee Is Always Going To Be 8 Dollars In New York City
It could never matter what I actually order — it’s always going to come out to 8 dollars. I’ve come to terms with it, but maybe not, because I am writing this.
6. Why Men Resist Control in Their Lives, Except When It Comes to Sex
They’re the leaders of our society, right? Like, the patriarchal underbelly of the modern world — yet, they don’t want to do dishes. They’d rather scrape their leftovers off of a bamboo paper plate they bought at Whole Foods, than touch a dish sponge. They order take-out, and tell the delivery man, ‘take care, boss,” — and then use a 3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/body wash.
7. Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors
I started antidepressants, specifically SSRIs, during the Summer of 2020. I lost my sense of self — what with a significant weight gain and a total loss of libido, it was difficult to feel normal.
I thought it was funny when I brought this up to my psychiatrist, and his reply was some academic citation that roughly translated to ‘it is what it is.’
Must depressed people decide between surviving a chemically imbalanced brain, or having a chemically controlled brain that just happens to come with a grab bag of life-altering side effects? It doesn’t seem fair. And I don’t understand it!
I think by the time I turn 24, they should have this fixed. Just kidding, but imagine?
8. The Idea of ‘Wasted Potential’
I am very threatened by my age. It is a stupid number, it sounds horrible, and I don’t like saying it. But I have to think that a lot of my disgust comes from the idea that my potential is withering away alongside my age.
‘Wasted potential’ suggests that I, one day, took a match and set fire to this potential of mine. That I didn’t even give it a chance to survive. That somehow, me aging without a grand, (capitalist) accomplishment from the year prior, is the greatest offense to this potential. And no, I don’t want to hear about the FIRE movement, thank you though.
The thing about my potential is that it is mine. And there’s no timer, there’s no tick. There’s just blissful waiting. A silent confidence that I hold super close to my chest.
